Sunday, January 11, 2009

I was a fake

Yep. You read that title right. I lived so much of my life, even well into adulthood, as a big, fat, phony fake.

I sit here and wonder if that is really very accurate and well, it is. I don't want to water down who I was and who I'm trying to be so I won't. Maybe one day I'll muster up the courage to really tell you how far God has brought me. He's so amazing to me.

I'm not bothering to look up the correct definition of "fake" via Webster's, but my guess and my own Fran definition would be.....

not real.....not authentic.

I have 3 character traits or part of my personality that I think were wired into me and they are:
1. people pleaser
2. addictive personality
3. can't say no

These things can be very dangerous when you line them up at.the.same.time. I struggle with these three STILL to this day, but nowhere to the degree I used to. Thank you, Lord, for freedom and helping me deal with my stuff.

Why am I telling you this?? Because I have some HUGEMONGOUSKEEPINGMEUPATNIGHT things going on in my mind, in my heart, in my life that are causing me to go back to the core of who I am. And, who I do not want to go back to being.

No more games. No more fake me. No more saying one thing and doing other things that don't line up with who I am, who I am trying to be, or who God is desperately wanting me to be.

You see, God began a life changing work in me 11 years ago. He hasn't stopped. And, I don't think He will. I might get tired and pull back, but I think He's in this thing for the long haul. I'm at a point where I really trust Him and have faith in Him. I am willing to do whatever He asks of me. No matter what. *shudder*

I have lead the life of wearing multiple hats in the course of a day and it almost killed me. Literally. I cannot and will not do it anymore. So help me Jesus.

Part of my deepest desires and dreams for this year are to be exactly who God wants me to be.
Not to be who I want to be, who my husband wants to be, who my coworkers want me to be, who my friends want me to be. I only want to walk with Him. Who are you molding me to be God?

I have such tears in my eyes right now. I have never in all my life been able to say this.....

All I want is Him. Nothing else.

For someone who completely made fun of those people, who were sold out to Jesus, I've now become one. And, I want to do that with 100% authenticity. No "fake Jesus in Fran" deal. No "only at church, Jesus in Fran" deal.

Maybe it all boils down to is if you are sold out to Him, then let's play the part.....with some realness.

I pray that as we go through 2009 that we will be the real deal through it all. Whatever God brings our way, let's handle it with grace, love, and the humility to see we cannot do it without Him.

We aren't perfect and we "don't have it all together" so let's do life together, together, with God.

2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

Have a wonderful day. See you on Wednesday!
Hugs and blessings~

24 comments:

mer@lifeat7000feet said...

Fran...fake or real, I still love you! (And your honesty).

I'm thankful for all that God has redeemed in your life.

Hope your week is a good one, friend.

Holly said...

I love you, Fran--your heart and your fervor and your joy. You are a precious friend to me. I am so thankful for you, for your prayers for us over the past year and for your friendship. What a blessing God is making you to be!

Lindsee said...

All I can say is, Amen, sister! Amen! Love you and wish I could give you a gosh darn big hug. :)

He Knows My Name said...

I know by how you are writing you have some big things on your heart. You might have been a fake but you certainly are not anymore. You might still be a people pleaser but with that said you are a person who loves big and your love overflows and touches many who really need that love some days.

Oh that all of us who proclaim to be following would follow a little closer!!!

sending you my love, janel

Lisa said...

Thank You Fran for your honesty. God is getting ready to do big things in your life and your sisters in Christ will stand shoulder to shoulder with you in prayer! Blessings - Lisa

beckyjomama said...

Aww, Sweet Frannie, you have been Jesus with skin on to me more times than I can count - and I haven't even met ya in person yet. But you call at the right time. Or you give an encouraging comment or - somehow - you just express love and hugs to me.

So, how's about the "Jesus so real in Fran that is always leaves Becky Jo in tears" honesty? 'Cause that, my sweet wonderful friend, is what I see all the stinkin' time!

I love you!

BethAnne said...

I refuse to believe you have ever been fake.period.......but if you feel that you have, then I am glad that you are getting it off your chest and changing whatever *fakeness* you saw in yourself (as I said I refuse to believe it, but you know you better than I).......

Girl, not just you, but all of us need to realize (this means me) that Jesus is all that matters. He is coming back and SOON....and we need to be found with our candles burning brightly.......thanks for your transparency...you are a blessing to me.

Patty said...

Amen Sister! I love your heart. I can't wait until we see each other in a few weeks and I think we can have some pretty good discussions on this. :)

I love you,
Patty

Anonymous said...

Fran, praying for you today!

Fake--I am ashamed to admit that there are too many times that the people I'm around dictates which 'hat' I put on. If I'm around my Christian friends I wear one hat (show 'me'), if I'm with unbelievers I hide most of that hat (if not all of it) under another hat so that I'll be 'acceptable' to them.

How ashamed I am to admit that. I feel dirty and like a traitor that I do it. I don't do it on purpose, but recognize it later and then the shame.

I am in a 'friendship' drought or desert right now. I keep crying out to God to tell me why--but I think your post just brought up the reason in gigantic proportions--Dear God forgive me for hiding my love for you with the hats I felt I needed to have in my life.

I'm going to go face down, figuratively and physically, before God and ask that He helps me to shred and toss away those other hats/masks.

Fran, you may feel that you have fake moments....but you are a blessing for so many of us who read your blog. Thank you for sharing your heart and some of your thoughts. I thank God that I found your blog and the blogs of so many of your Siestas (sp?)

Teresa L.

ocean mommy said...

Oh girl....love you to pieces. Love your heart and your desire for Jesus. You make me want to love Him more!

I'm with Patty...we are going to have some pretty cool talks when you get here! I've got a thing on my heart keeping me up at night too...

Hugs
s.

connorcolesmom said...

Oh this gave me the goosebumps!!
It is so true and I relate to this as well
I think as women we tend to be people pleasers and wear too many hats
I know God is ready for us to seek only Him - what a relief to only seek to please GOD and not a million other people/things!
I love you FRAN!
Kim

Linda said...

Those 3 caracter traits describe me as well and fake I have been numerous times in my life. I too want him alone!
Blessings,
Linda

Jimmy said...

Good for you! Stepping up to the plate and swinging for the fence. Congratulations, you just went from being a "Fan" of Jesus to a "Follower" of Jesus! Grace and peace!

Teri~Facedown said...

Frannie...peace be yours as you wrestle with all this means. I love you and stand with you girl. You are precious.

Teresa said...

Praying for you and....me.

love your REAL heart, my friend.
Teresa

A Stone Gatherer said...

I so know where you've been and am so with you on being 100% sold out! Waiting on Him!

Sharon said...

Been there, done that! God Bless you for your honesty, Fran. I can so relate.

Ted Leach/ted@jacksonfumc.org said...

I believe any honest person, particularly someone who takes the Christian faith seriously, has experienced the "distance" you have expressed so well between our heart-of-hearts and our public persona.

I believe "closing the gap" is an important part of the process of maturing as a human being and as a Christian. When children take a great leap forward in their development (like shedding a bicycle's training wheels), it is a huge deal. It feels humongous to the kid, but the parent just smiles inside knowing that this is a noteworthy, yet normal, step in the child's development.

I believe God observes us with this confident knowing, watching us mature and grow as Christians.

Thomas Merton's New Seeds of Contemplation has a chapter on "Things in Their Identity." He talks about us becoming the person God created us to be. He said, "We are at liberty to be real, or to be unreal. We may be true or false, the choice is ours. We may wear now one mask and now another, and never, if we so desire, appear with our own true face." He says, "To work out our own identity in God, which the Bible calls 'working out our salvation,' is a labor that requires sacrifice and anguish, risk and many tears. It demands close attention to reality at every moment, and great fidelity to God as He reveals Himself, obscurely, in the mystery of each new situation."

So, you're on to something!

Ted Leach

Janelle said...

Fran...

Praise God for the journey you are on. I can tell this is hard but out of ashes comes beauty.

Now if I would only listen and search for what He has in store for me.

Thank you for speaking the truth!

Shelley said...

Beautiful Fran.

..."so let's do life together, together, with God..."


I love that. I need to do that. Thanks.

Jackie said...

"I have 3 character traits or part of my personality that I think were wired into me and they are:
1. people pleaser
2. addictive personality
3. can't say no"

Oh Fran, Did you steal this off my computer? LOL..that is SOOOO me and I SOOO hate the combo! UGH!

Girl, i so identify with that ENTIRE post. HUGE HUG from over here! Thanks for sharing your heart. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE you....hugs..jacks

Heather M said...

oh my Fran! I love this one! It hits home to MANY of us christians! However I can NEVER imagine you being fake! I havent even ever met you but let me tell you...you are definitely a woman of great faith and wisdom and I lOVE it. most of all so does jesus! What a great mentor you are to me even though you live in another town! You have a huge heart and you are pouring out blessings everywhere! Tell my sister Jill I am a bit jealous we need more FRAN'S out there for sure! God bless you!

colorfulwoman said...

Hey...:) I so need to get off the computer right now, but your posts are really hitting home with me Fran:) I am doing a study called Sonship right now and this is the primary area of growth we are going through. I made a statement the other day at study that if God frees me of not needing approval, it will be a true miracle, it is down deep in me. You should read Galations, I am amazed at how this book speaks to this very topic. Being authentic, not legalistic or trying so hard to be ... If you can, read the book all the way through in one sitting. God's Word is amazing! Praying for you:)

Alana said...

What an awesome post! Maybe because I can relate SO well! I've been on a similar journey. Have you ever read

Nice Girls Don't Change the World by Lynn Hybels.

That was the start of it for me...

I blog so you can get a glimpse into my life as wife, mom of 3 boys, and someone who simply wants to bless others along the way. Have fun and be sweet :)

Boy 1

Boy 1

Boy 2

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