Here we go....part 2

I have stewed and stewed about how to continue the story. I've actually put this off for as long as I can. I have to pick up the kids here soon so I need to get busy and tell you the next part! ;)

Please know that my point in telling my story is NOT to tear anyone down within my church or even tear down the church itself. My point is simply showing how God sometimes works. And, it's not all clean and pretty and easy. Ok, here we go......

I believe we left off yesterday with things going south in late July and my world had just been devastated. That is completely true. I'm going to stay away from some specifics because in the big scheme of it all......it really doesn't matter. God will do whatever He wants to do and however He wants to do it.

So, where were we??

During the summer months, something big was happening within children's ministry that was about to either be really good or really bad. I had a tough decision to make and I took the hard road and went with what I truly believed to be the direction that God was telling me to go. I had prayed like mad and sought advice and wisdom from others around me as well.

That decision did not go over well with some church members. The decision prompted some discussions and ideas to take place and during that process I was asked to leave my current position at the church and develop a new ministry. That doesn't sad so bad right?

This is where I'm going to leave out the bulk of the story because it honestly doesn't effect how God was already orchestrating this all anyway.

You see, let me back up a year and a half and let you know that I had been through a really tough year in ministry. I felt completely alone in so many ways and was borderline frustrated with some things going on and really began to wonder if this is where God would have me.

Again...I'm going to leave out some details here. Please forgive me.

I prayed for a solid 18 months about what to do. I knew that if I were to leave it would not be without God going ahead of me. However, at this point, in my heart of hearts, I never imagined I would have to make a choice in all this questioning. I believed God was going to teach me something else. I never thought anything other than "stick it out, Fran."

So, we come back to the summer of '09. I never imagined that God would speak in such a way that would be so devastatingly ugly. Sometimes God won't speak so sweetly into our hearts that gives us the "go or stay" answer that we are looking for. Sometimes the writing is on the wall after something so hurtful that we can clearly hear Him saying......."it's time for you to go Fran."

Huh?

What?

This is NOT how I thought He would tell me the answer to the million dollar question that I had been seeking for a very long time.

I had been hurt deeply to my core and I tried to move past it and keep "doing the thing," but with each day and each week that went by, I knew in my heart......"it's time to go Fran."

And, then came the intense grieving process that felt like death. It felt like life would not go on.
It felt as if everything I had cared about within children's ministry and the church was finished.

One day your passion is alive and the next day it's gone.

It was time to let my leaders know what my next step would be. Would I be willing to get past the hurt or would I walk away from the most meaningful time in my life and let it all go? Did I hear God correctly? Maybe I misunderstood. After all, there is no perfect church or perfect ministry. We are all broken, messed up people for cryin' out loud. I needed more time.

Some serious second guessing began to take place.

I was scared to death. For the sake of my own children and my own family....I got really scared. Maybe God isn't telling me to go now at all. You see....my income was a huge contribution to our family that I couldn't just walk away from.

"Please don't leave me now Lord. You can't leave me here in this place."

*the story continues tomorrow*